So I hop out to run a couple errands, and when I come into our building, I see something posted on the inside of the door. It's a print-out of a web page review one of the tenants wrote about our building. A scathing review, I might add, but entertaining nonetheless. Here it is in all of its glory:
"This place is a God-forsaken dump! Every week there seems to be a plumbing leak somewhere. The A/C doesn't seem to work during da summer time. There's plenty of heat all da time, though. If you live under somebody, you'll hear 'em mf'rs loud and clear bcuz of da stellar hardwood floors. And da people bellow you will hear ya too. Da carpets are old, the paint job in da halls is sh@#$y, and maintenance, what maintenance!!!! The new mgmt co., what a joke!!! The thing that irritates me most is that some tenants like to cook that smelly-ass fish & they stink up the halls. Yes, the demographics here is too diverse! Viva La Migra! And no, Im not white, Im asian."
This is a fascinating piece of writing. The writer is Asian and throws out just about every kind of slang in one paragraph as they can. It's actually an achievement. The writer's also dead-on regarding this building. He/She fails to mention the roaches (I've seen them, thankfully the Gergle hasn't or there'd be a blog about a 25-year-old woman having a coronary), which are VERY large. Or the mice. I'm assuming mice, because we've only seen one, but there have to be more.
The noise is not so bad for us, but we have no upstairs neighbors and carpeting, so no big shock there. The hallway noise is surprising, though. We don't hear a lot of our next-door neighbors, but the Indian family (I'm assuming Indian; they're not Arab) at the end of the hall is noisy. But only in the hellway. Yes, that was a typo but I'm leaving it.
I've lived in this area all my life. I went to school with kids from 100 countries. But it took me 27 years and this building to discover that Indians don't whisper. They have no low conversational voice. This family walks by speaking at a volume that is appropriate for a busy Starbucks or a bar with medium volume music on. It doesn't matter if it's just the husband and his wife, or the whole lot (and there are a whole lot--how many I can't say for sure).
They're nice enough and I don't mean to say I don't want them as neighbors. I just want them to pipe the fuck down when they're walking through the hallway. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, right on, Asian guy. But you forgot the pool that wasn't open last year (spent the money trying to fix the a/c), the ONE elevator that makes moving in or out a bitch, the noisy roof (I can overlook you missing this one) and the overall shitty condition of this place. Then again, in five years this place will probably be a parking garage or a new office building, or the parking garage for a new office building, so who gives a shit really.
Would you be my--fuck--COULD you be my neighbor?
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2 comments:
I love the interchanging use of "da" and "the", especially when it happens within da same sentence.
I know, it's like some kind of pronoun reserved for especially annoying things. That was a great little rant to come home to. It made my day.
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