The Good Samaritan

Ok, so I'm going to 7-11 for a pack of smokes. In, out, back home to catch the rest of Brazil/Japan, easy enough.

Of course not easy enough, because this is my life and these are the things that happen to me:
I make my way to the counter to get my cigs and there's an elderly woman asking the gentleman manning the register where 395 goes. Not where it is, mind you, just where it goes. Now I'm not one to say we should take licenses away from people who reach a certain age, but if you live in Virginia and don't know where 395 goes you need to just clock out of the whole driving thing. So she's asking where it goes and our Hindi friends behind the counter keep telling her where it is, and the whole thing is kind of a clusterfuck so I let her know that 395 north goes to DC and south will take you around to 495. This is my first mistake, and I know that going in, but I figure I can help her out and end this whole thing which, even though I'm paid up and on my way out the door, is painful to listen to. Enter Mr. Helpy-Helper. The next dick in line behind me walks up and says "Hey man, why don't you just have her follow you to 395?"

Really. I'm not joking about this. This asshat wants to help her out so much he's asking me to do the work for him. Thanks. Well, what can I do? Say "No, I have to get back to my apartment directly across the street to watch a soccer game that's already over anyway (Brazil was up 3-1 at the time)"? So off I go to lead a little old lady with no business being on the road to the fucking HIGHWAY during fucking RUSH HOUR.

Now I'm on the road, and all's well to this point. Then we get to the 395 ramp, and I point out the window for her to take the ramp, and she just keeps following me, like a lost puppy or the guy at the party who only knows one person so they stay within range of them all night. I pull into a left turn lane to, well, turn around and go home. Or at least let her know "Hey, here's the exit. There are signs. One goes north, the other south. Good luck." But instead of following me into the lane, the woman STOPS IN TRAFFIC TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT SHE'S GOING TO DO. Or maybe where she is. I don't know, but I'm frantically waving her over into the lane. What does she do? She waits there for someone to honk at her (which does not take long) and then simply drives on. In the meantime, I make the left turn as I had an arrow and not being 500 years old I follow street signs logically and as they are presented. I cut through a neighborhood to get back on Glebe to get home and to find this woman, but she's long gone.

I just want to say before I wrap this up that while I found it an inconvenience, I wanted to help this woman out because I feel for the elderly who seem to have been passed by by a world that doesn't need them anymore. Truly. My problem is not with the woman, or the fact that I helped her. My issue is with the cock that threw me into this mess.

So here's to you Mr. Nice Guy Hey-I'm-Your-Buddy: Take your fucking gym shorts, your sleeveless T-shirt, your 'I have enough time to work out a lot' body, your big stupid smiling fucking face, your whole fucking I'm-a-jock-but-I'm-a-nice-guy-even-though-I'm-better-than-you-which-
makes-me-even-better-than-you attitude thing (which is really easy to have when you got to bang every girl in high school who's crappy stories and bullshit I had to listen to for a fucking semester just to get to the point where they'd turn me down) and skip the gym tomorrow. You've earned it. Instead, I want you to go fuck yourself. Hard, long and slow. Just fuck the pissing fuck off. You wanna help out? Help out. Don't throw it on someone you assume has nothing better to do or anywhere to go (which I didn't admittedly, but that's not the point). Find something large, sit on it, and sink until you're all full of it and think about what kind of human being you are.
When you're done, then you can go to Five or Love or what the fuck ever and pick up some chicks and tell them how you helped out an old woman yesterday. I'm sure they'll think you're so sweet and nice. Fucker.