Ok, late? Yes, but I feel like sometimes we need time to absorb and reflect before bloviating.
That and I took notes, and they aren't going to write themselves, so I'm gonna write most of this the way I was thinking at the time and mix in other stuff along. Anything in quotes in parantheses is directly from the notes...
First--R.I.P. Ali Farka Toure, Dana Reeve, Kirby Puckett. What's with the Death right now? Do they know something we don't?
From Hollywood, Producers of 'Three Days of the Condor' as well as 'The Stoopids' (sigh). Jon Stewart hosts.
I feel wary about this going in. He's smart, he's observant, if you ask my girlfriend he's hot--but he has less pull in that room than OJ, and that could be trouble. Unless the host is kissing their ass (see Crystal, Billy) or are just too 'powerful' to ignore (see Carson, Johnny), the Oscar crowd is just brutal (Chapters Rock and Letterman). Maybe there's hope...
...and hope is good for about 30 seconds after a funny opening movie that got laughs 'cause it had people that the crowd wanted to laugh at. Oh boy. I guess if there was a dance number or something he would've gone over, huh? Fuck you Hollywood. Fuck your dance and music numbers.
-Supporting Actor: Nicole Kidman comes out to present and talks about, um, well, ("blah blah blah gorgeous"). Really, wow. And it goes to Clooney! Clooney Buddy! Little Known Fact: There was a second envelope that contained a list of five women for him to bang later. Apparently he did them all so, you know, everyone wins. He makes a nice little speech about why all of these movie people are good for the world and my Man Crush on him is officially back on ("Too funny too handsome too charming love him hate him he's great"). Good to have you back Cooper. Was that his name on 'Rosanne'? Matt Dillon should have had it.
-I don't know who Bill Hurt was with, but WOW. Just, WOW.
-Something I have to get out of the way right now: I HATE the music during the speeches bit. HATE. Even the second in charge guy who gets one for Best Makeup did something right, the show always runs long so fuck it let them talk.
-Apparently Jack does the seating chart for the show, 'cause he's next to Kiera Knightly for no reason other than he's Jack and I'm not. Nice work, my liege.
-It's not that the crowd doesn't get Jon, they just don't want to. I haven't seen a Collective Dick Move like that since Bush couldn't find the door in China and everyone stood there taking pictures. Except that was funny.
-Ben Stiller doing the green screen bit is less funny now, but at least it was something.
-Narnia wins some tech award, but I can't even hear the word Narnia without hearing that 'Lazy Sunday' bit from SNL in my head.
-Attention people of Earth: RESSE WITHERSPOON IS NOT HOT
-A big rock on for Wallace and Grommit winning the Animation award. In other news, the in-speech music is driving me to drink. More than I was already.
-I dont care how far Naomi Watts's nipples stick out, I think she's beautiful. And yes, I will be judging every actress I see tonight on how they look without shame--If I'm giving you $10 to entertain me for an hour and a half and oral sex isn't involved, you're goddamn right you better look fucking good.
-Our first nominated song of the evening is Dolly Parton. Singing alone on stage to track. Now, this is a significant moment: There was a time when it was ALWAYS done like this. In the early days of televison it was impossible to mic mix and send out a live band to broadcast and have it sound good. Even now in a fast paced live show like award shows its difficult. But the era of the singer out on stage alone is past, and now it just looks awkward and old-timey, and it's not like it takes 20 minutes to get a couple guys with a banjo and a guitar on stage and off. So fuck you again, Hollywood. Dolly deserves better.
-They have the token Kiddy Bit with the CG Chicken Little. I hate the fucking Kiddy Bit. Kids don't care. It's true: I watched the Oscars the year Batman came out and was so outraged that it wasn't nominated for EVERYTHING that I didn't watch for a long time. True story.
-Jennifer Aniston. Girls, she's NOT a star. She's NOT hot. She was on the right show with the right hairdresser at the right time. You fuckin' go, Brad. You did the right thing.
-Will Farrell and Steve Carell come out and actually make me laugh. Thank you, gentlemen.
-Camera pans to Kidman and...Keith Urban? Man, I forgot about that. ("Keith Urban? Really?")
-Rachel McAdams comes out and breaks my heart ("Blonde...bad lighting...too skinny...dreams ruined..."). Bad look.
-Best Supporting Actress: Rachel Weisz. Love her, always have. She's a hot pregnant chick, isn't she? Really, just glowing ("BOOBIES!").
-For a guy who isn't really a breast man (I'm about the ass, and was LOOOONNNGG before J-Lo or any of that shit) I'm a little all about the boobs watching this. I guess I'm working with what I'm being given.
-A commercial for Tab Energy Drink? THIS is what the world was waiting for? I can't find ONE goddamn bottle of Cherry Smash anywhere in this world and there's a fucking TAB energy drink? Fuck that.
-Lauren Bacall's prompter goes screwy, causing me to briefly wonder if we were watching her stroke out on live TV.
-Is Charlize Theron a goddess? It's possible. I don't even notice the goofy dress enough for it to bother me; she's THAT beautiful. But just when I think I'm out...
-...Salma fucking Hayek pulls me back in. Wow. She still rules whatever land I walk. Strong showing.
-Jen Garner has been visited by the boobie fairy and is climbing my List rapidly.
-Memoriam: Pat Morita, Chris Penn, Sandra Dee, Brock Peters, Shelly Winters, Anne Bancroft and Richard Pryor all get drinks from me. The notes thankfully start to taper off at this point.
-So I just mentioned the List. Within the List there is a subsection. The Pantheon, if you will. I'm giving myself some time to think it over, but I'm considering adding Ziyi Zhang to the Pantheon. Unbelievable.
-Three Six Mafia steals the show with their speech. I never found it to be so hard out here. Maybe it's just easier here for a pimp. The cost of living's hard out here for a pimp, I'll tell you that for goddamn sure.
-Hilary Swank comes out in an awful dress but I forgive her, she meant well.
Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman, whom I've loved ever since The Big Lebowski.
-Best Actress: WILL SOMEONE SHUT REESE WITHERSPOON THE FUCK UP. Anyone who does this for me shall receive....ginger snaps. They're pleasant and go well with afternoon coffee.
-They do. Shut up.
-Best Picture: Crash! Wow, the best picture won Best Picture. Huh. I guess all's well that ends well.
All in all, not a bad....well, yeah bad show. Boring, packaged, tight-assed and no Jennifer Connelly makes this year's Oscars blasphemy on many levels. Unless they get Chappelle to host next year and he turns it into the Academy Awards and Roast and Cultural History Extravaganza, the Oscars will be in 5 years what it tries so hard not to be: Just another award show.
Late,
Berg
Friday, March 10, 2006
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