I've been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me today. I woke up at an unusual hour for me, went to a job interview that I was really excited about and left deflated and soured on another job that I almost took yesterday. More than that, everything feels wrong. Something wasn't just wrong with me; I wasn't thinking big enough.
Today is an opposite day. Everything that was good and right had been flipped on its head and was showing me its ugly, diseased ass (except, of course, for my girlfriend). Everything that was going my way had slammed on its brakes and decided to just go on home.
Unfortunately the thing that hasn't changed is DC driving habits and abilities. Word of advice: If you own a small two-door thing that couldn't drive through three inches of snow if your life depended on it please do not try to climb up an iced-over hill with it. Especially if I am sitting RIGHT BEHIND YOU. It's not worth it. There are other exits, downhill-facing ones even! Christ, I know that this area is full of people from all over the world, so whenever we get any kind of weather some percentage of the population has no idea what the hell to do. I get that. It's ok, even. But just a thimbleful of friggin common sense! Not much, just enough to not get me killed.
And I'm just so sick of everything today. I know I'm not the cheeriest bear in the cave but I usually have some perspective. Not today. Everything makes me want to throw my hands in the air and toss them about as if I had little to no regard for those around me. I checked my email for a message that should be there, and when it wasn't I kicked a Kermit the Frog doll that was on the floor. I love Kermit. Rainbow Connection and shit.
It seems like everywhere I turn there are problems; not all of them huge but all of them adding up--like drinking Tequila or Liquid Cocaine shooters. While I'm at it--I think any booze with the letter 'Q' in it should be approached with caution. Good life rule, that. Anyway, I see the laundry I don't have the money to do ($10 for a roll of quarters is a big deal right now), the streaks I can't get out of the coffee table, the jobs I can't get or shouldn't take, and it all snowballs until I'm thinking about what I want to do with my life. Then the TV starts with the "I'm going to lose all sound now for no reason" thing and I'm fixin to pop. If I have to go out again for any reason, god help us all.
I think I may need a vacation.
Showing posts with label D.C.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label D.C.. Show all posts
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
So I hop out to run a couple errands, and when I come into our building, I see something posted on the inside of the door. It's a print-out of a web page review one of the tenants wrote about our building. A scathing review, I might add, but entertaining nonetheless. Here it is in all of its glory:
"This place is a God-forsaken dump! Every week there seems to be a plumbing leak somewhere. The A/C doesn't seem to work during da summer time. There's plenty of heat all da time, though. If you live under somebody, you'll hear 'em mf'rs loud and clear bcuz of da stellar hardwood floors. And da people bellow you will hear ya too. Da carpets are old, the paint job in da halls is sh@#$y, and maintenance, what maintenance!!!! The new mgmt co., what a joke!!! The thing that irritates me most is that some tenants like to cook that smelly-ass fish & they stink up the halls. Yes, the demographics here is too diverse! Viva La Migra! And no, Im not white, Im asian."
This is a fascinating piece of writing. The writer is Asian and throws out just about every kind of slang in one paragraph as they can. It's actually an achievement. The writer's also dead-on regarding this building. He/She fails to mention the roaches (I've seen them, thankfully the Gergle hasn't or there'd be a blog about a 25-year-old woman having a coronary), which are VERY large. Or the mice. I'm assuming mice, because we've only seen one, but there have to be more.
The noise is not so bad for us, but we have no upstairs neighbors and carpeting, so no big shock there. The hallway noise is surprising, though. We don't hear a lot of our next-door neighbors, but the Indian family (I'm assuming Indian; they're not Arab) at the end of the hall is noisy. But only in the hellway. Yes, that was a typo but I'm leaving it.
I've lived in this area all my life. I went to school with kids from 100 countries. But it took me 27 years and this building to discover that Indians don't whisper. They have no low conversational voice. This family walks by speaking at a volume that is appropriate for a busy Starbucks or a bar with medium volume music on. It doesn't matter if it's just the husband and his wife, or the whole lot (and there are a whole lot--how many I can't say for sure).
They're nice enough and I don't mean to say I don't want them as neighbors. I just want them to pipe the fuck down when they're walking through the hallway. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, right on, Asian guy. But you forgot the pool that wasn't open last year (spent the money trying to fix the a/c), the ONE elevator that makes moving in or out a bitch, the noisy roof (I can overlook you missing this one) and the overall shitty condition of this place. Then again, in five years this place will probably be a parking garage or a new office building, or the parking garage for a new office building, so who gives a shit really.
Would you be my--fuck--COULD you be my neighbor?
"This place is a God-forsaken dump! Every week there seems to be a plumbing leak somewhere. The A/C doesn't seem to work during da summer time. There's plenty of heat all da time, though. If you live under somebody, you'll hear 'em mf'rs loud and clear bcuz of da stellar hardwood floors. And da people bellow you will hear ya too. Da carpets are old, the paint job in da halls is sh@#$y, and maintenance, what maintenance!!!! The new mgmt co., what a joke!!! The thing that irritates me most is that some tenants like to cook that smelly-ass fish & they stink up the halls. Yes, the demographics here is too diverse! Viva La Migra! And no, Im not white, Im asian."
This is a fascinating piece of writing. The writer is Asian and throws out just about every kind of slang in one paragraph as they can. It's actually an achievement. The writer's also dead-on regarding this building. He/She fails to mention the roaches (I've seen them, thankfully the Gergle hasn't or there'd be a blog about a 25-year-old woman having a coronary), which are VERY large. Or the mice. I'm assuming mice, because we've only seen one, but there have to be more.
The noise is not so bad for us, but we have no upstairs neighbors and carpeting, so no big shock there. The hallway noise is surprising, though. We don't hear a lot of our next-door neighbors, but the Indian family (I'm assuming Indian; they're not Arab) at the end of the hall is noisy. But only in the hellway. Yes, that was a typo but I'm leaving it.
I've lived in this area all my life. I went to school with kids from 100 countries. But it took me 27 years and this building to discover that Indians don't whisper. They have no low conversational voice. This family walks by speaking at a volume that is appropriate for a busy Starbucks or a bar with medium volume music on. It doesn't matter if it's just the husband and his wife, or the whole lot (and there are a whole lot--how many I can't say for sure).
They're nice enough and I don't mean to say I don't want them as neighbors. I just want them to pipe the fuck down when they're walking through the hallway. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, right on, Asian guy. But you forgot the pool that wasn't open last year (spent the money trying to fix the a/c), the ONE elevator that makes moving in or out a bitch, the noisy roof (I can overlook you missing this one) and the overall shitty condition of this place. Then again, in five years this place will probably be a parking garage or a new office building, or the parking garage for a new office building, so who gives a shit really.
Would you be my--fuck--COULD you be my neighbor?
Cunty?
Ok, so my lady wrote about the things that she hates about D.C. I have to say I agree with all of these, but there's one aspect of her little rant that I feel a need to focus on. Here's what she had to say:
"The Bergle came up with this one and I agree wholeheartedly: why are there so many “cunty” women in DC? I grew up in northern VA and I went to school with some of these girls with their houses in McLean and Potomac and very rich mommies and daddies. I can spot them a mile away (Tiffany jewelry is usually a dead giveaway). Their ultimate goal in life is to have the upper hand, be it through condescension, the “I smell something icky” look, and of course their signature the “Oh my, this apartment is so quaint” backhanded compliments. Go f*ck a congressman."
Now, I was going to delve into why these girls are the way they are, and I spent a good chunk of time thinking it over. I was going to talk about the void of suburban life and the status wars that ensue; I was going to be nice. But I can't have that on my conscience.
Gergle works in D.C. and has a point, but she grew up in Vienna. I'm from McLean. If you just shuddered or felt a chill up your spine, then you know what's up. The richest, the elite, the ginormous homes, all of it. Just as background, my family moved to town when I was 4, parents broke up when I was 6, mom and I moved to Vienna with her mom but she kept me in McLean schools so I'd be with my friends. This kept up until Junior High, when we moved back to McLean as a single mom and her kid. She busted her ass for the sake of me not losing one more thing after her and dad split.
I got to see and hear it all from these little girls with their rich parents. I got the stares when I revealed that we didn't have cable. I actually had to explain to people that my mom didn't go to college, doesn't make a lot of money and neither does my dad, and even if he did he's got another family now and doesn't really bother to help out so NO I'M NOT GOING SKIING THIS YEAR.
Not every girl was like this. Not every girl was a spoiled cunty brat. But even the ones who weren't aspired to that level. I knew smart girls; personable, funny, gifted, beautiful girls who tried to fit in because their friend was cunty, or their friend's friend's. It was inescapable, like the Borg.
There was one girl in particular that I remember: She was smart, beautiful, funny, all of it. We ended up in one class together every year and every year I had just the most horrible puppy dog crush on her. Of course she didn't know this and I had no plans on telling her, but she was just about everything I could ever ask for. She wasn't a 'popular' girl per se, but she had a couple friends. Over the years those friends got in with the In Crowd and by proxy she orbited the fringes--dressing a little more 'upscale', telling tales of the weekend parties, etc. The girl I knew was still there, but you could hear and see that she was a little drunk with her new standing. I could see her questioning herself before laughing at something I said when once she just laughed.
I ran into her out one night with a couple little cunty girls. It seemed like we were happy to see each other, but the un-interrupted walking of her 'friends' drew her out into the sea of BeamersBenz's. To paraphrase Robert Smith, I found myself alone above the sea that stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me. In fact, I always thought the Cure sucked ass up until that moment, but then I got it. Now I love that damn song.
But I digress. It's not girls being cunty that makes this area suck: It's the damage left in their wake. It's everyone that they make feel small, or poor, or worthless. I personally didn't let it get to me too much; my mom raised me well enough to be able to say "Fuck the world" when I needed to. But it was situations like the one with this girl that pissed me off. I saw good people around me hurt everyday because they weren't some spoiled brat's idea of Good Enough.
With that having been said: If you're a cunty girl, Fuck you. Fuck you all day long. But IF you are, and you happen to be reading this, please send this to your mummy and daddy. I have something to say to them:
Ahem...
You fucked up. Your children were born to privilege, and you taught them to squander it. They are going to run this world someday and they are going to fuck it all up because you couldn't be bothered. On behalf of 'the rest of us' and all of our children that we're going to have someday, thanks. Thanks a bunch.
This ended up more serious than I though. I'll bring the funny next time. Promise.
Bergle
"The Bergle came up with this one and I agree wholeheartedly: why are there so many “cunty” women in DC? I grew up in northern VA and I went to school with some of these girls with their houses in McLean and Potomac and very rich mommies and daddies. I can spot them a mile away (Tiffany jewelry is usually a dead giveaway). Their ultimate goal in life is to have the upper hand, be it through condescension, the “I smell something icky” look, and of course their signature the “Oh my, this apartment is so quaint” backhanded compliments. Go f*ck a congressman."
Now, I was going to delve into why these girls are the way they are, and I spent a good chunk of time thinking it over. I was going to talk about the void of suburban life and the status wars that ensue; I was going to be nice. But I can't have that on my conscience.
Gergle works in D.C. and has a point, but she grew up in Vienna. I'm from McLean. If you just shuddered or felt a chill up your spine, then you know what's up. The richest, the elite, the ginormous homes, all of it. Just as background, my family moved to town when I was 4, parents broke up when I was 6, mom and I moved to Vienna with her mom but she kept me in McLean schools so I'd be with my friends. This kept up until Junior High, when we moved back to McLean as a single mom and her kid. She busted her ass for the sake of me not losing one more thing after her and dad split.
I got to see and hear it all from these little girls with their rich parents. I got the stares when I revealed that we didn't have cable. I actually had to explain to people that my mom didn't go to college, doesn't make a lot of money and neither does my dad, and even if he did he's got another family now and doesn't really bother to help out so NO I'M NOT GOING SKIING THIS YEAR.
Not every girl was like this. Not every girl was a spoiled cunty brat. But even the ones who weren't aspired to that level. I knew smart girls; personable, funny, gifted, beautiful girls who tried to fit in because their friend was cunty, or their friend's friend's. It was inescapable, like the Borg.
There was one girl in particular that I remember: She was smart, beautiful, funny, all of it. We ended up in one class together every year and every year I had just the most horrible puppy dog crush on her. Of course she didn't know this and I had no plans on telling her, but she was just about everything I could ever ask for. She wasn't a 'popular' girl per se, but she had a couple friends. Over the years those friends got in with the In Crowd and by proxy she orbited the fringes--dressing a little more 'upscale', telling tales of the weekend parties, etc. The girl I knew was still there, but you could hear and see that she was a little drunk with her new standing. I could see her questioning herself before laughing at something I said when once she just laughed.
I ran into her out one night with a couple little cunty girls. It seemed like we were happy to see each other, but the un-interrupted walking of her 'friends' drew her out into the sea of BeamersBenz's. To paraphrase Robert Smith, I found myself alone above the sea that stole the only girl I loved and drowned her deep inside of me. In fact, I always thought the Cure sucked ass up until that moment, but then I got it. Now I love that damn song.
But I digress. It's not girls being cunty that makes this area suck: It's the damage left in their wake. It's everyone that they make feel small, or poor, or worthless. I personally didn't let it get to me too much; my mom raised me well enough to be able to say "Fuck the world" when I needed to. But it was situations like the one with this girl that pissed me off. I saw good people around me hurt everyday because they weren't some spoiled brat's idea of Good Enough.
With that having been said: If you're a cunty girl, Fuck you. Fuck you all day long. But IF you are, and you happen to be reading this, please send this to your mummy and daddy. I have something to say to them:
Ahem...
You fucked up. Your children were born to privilege, and you taught them to squander it. They are going to run this world someday and they are going to fuck it all up because you couldn't be bothered. On behalf of 'the rest of us' and all of our children that we're going to have someday, thanks. Thanks a bunch.
This ended up more serious than I though. I'll bring the funny next time. Promise.
Bergle
Thursday, June 22, 2006
The Good Samaritan
Ok, so I'm going to 7-11 for a pack of smokes. In, out, back home to catch the rest of Brazil/Japan, easy enough.
Of course not easy enough, because this is my life and these are the things that happen to me:
I make my way to the counter to get my cigs and there's an elderly woman asking the gentleman manning the register where 395 goes. Not where it is, mind you, just where it goes. Now I'm not one to say we should take licenses away from people who reach a certain age, but if you live in Virginia and don't know where 395 goes you need to just clock out of the whole driving thing. So she's asking where it goes and our Hindi friends behind the counter keep telling her where it is, and the whole thing is kind of a clusterfuck so I let her know that 395 north goes to DC and south will take you around to 495. This is my first mistake, and I know that going in, but I figure I can help her out and end this whole thing which, even though I'm paid up and on my way out the door, is painful to listen to. Enter Mr. Helpy-Helper. The next dick in line behind me walks up and says "Hey man, why don't you just have her follow you to 395?"
Really. I'm not joking about this. This asshat wants to help her out so much he's asking me to do the work for him. Thanks. Well, what can I do? Say "No, I have to get back to my apartment directly across the street to watch a soccer game that's already over anyway (Brazil was up 3-1 at the time)"? So off I go to lead a little old lady with no business being on the road to the fucking HIGHWAY during fucking RUSH HOUR.
Now I'm on the road, and all's well to this point. Then we get to the 395 ramp, and I point out the window for her to take the ramp, and she just keeps following me, like a lost puppy or the guy at the party who only knows one person so they stay within range of them all night. I pull into a left turn lane to, well, turn around and go home. Or at least let her know "Hey, here's the exit. There are signs. One goes north, the other south. Good luck." But instead of following me into the lane, the woman STOPS IN TRAFFIC TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT SHE'S GOING TO DO. Or maybe where she is. I don't know, but I'm frantically waving her over into the lane. What does she do? She waits there for someone to honk at her (which does not take long) and then simply drives on. In the meantime, I make the left turn as I had an arrow and not being 500 years old I follow street signs logically and as they are presented. I cut through a neighborhood to get back on Glebe to get home and to find this woman, but she's long gone.
I just want to say before I wrap this up that while I found it an inconvenience, I wanted to help this woman out because I feel for the elderly who seem to have been passed by by a world that doesn't need them anymore. Truly. My problem is not with the woman, or the fact that I helped her. My issue is with the cock that threw me into this mess.
So here's to you Mr. Nice Guy Hey-I'm-Your-Buddy: Take your fucking gym shorts, your sleeveless T-shirt, your 'I have enough time to work out a lot' body, your big stupid smiling fucking face, your whole fucking I'm-a-jock-but-I'm-a-nice-guy-even-though-I'm-better-than-you-which-
makes-me-even-better-than-you attitude thing (which is really easy to have when you got to bang every girl in high school who's crappy stories and bullshit I had to listen to for a fucking semester just to get to the point where they'd turn me down) and skip the gym tomorrow. You've earned it. Instead, I want you to go fuck yourself. Hard, long and slow. Just fuck the pissing fuck off. You wanna help out? Help out. Don't throw it on someone you assume has nothing better to do or anywhere to go (which I didn't admittedly, but that's not the point). Find something large, sit on it, and sink until you're all full of it and think about what kind of human being you are.
When you're done, then you can go to Five or Love or what the fuck ever and pick up some chicks and tell them how you helped out an old woman yesterday. I'm sure they'll think you're so sweet and nice. Fucker.
Of course not easy enough, because this is my life and these are the things that happen to me:
I make my way to the counter to get my cigs and there's an elderly woman asking the gentleman manning the register where 395 goes. Not where it is, mind you, just where it goes. Now I'm not one to say we should take licenses away from people who reach a certain age, but if you live in Virginia and don't know where 395 goes you need to just clock out of the whole driving thing. So she's asking where it goes and our Hindi friends behind the counter keep telling her where it is, and the whole thing is kind of a clusterfuck so I let her know that 395 north goes to DC and south will take you around to 495. This is my first mistake, and I know that going in, but I figure I can help her out and end this whole thing which, even though I'm paid up and on my way out the door, is painful to listen to. Enter Mr. Helpy-Helper. The next dick in line behind me walks up and says "Hey man, why don't you just have her follow you to 395?"
Really. I'm not joking about this. This asshat wants to help her out so much he's asking me to do the work for him. Thanks. Well, what can I do? Say "No, I have to get back to my apartment directly across the street to watch a soccer game that's already over anyway (Brazil was up 3-1 at the time)"? So off I go to lead a little old lady with no business being on the road to the fucking HIGHWAY during fucking RUSH HOUR.
Now I'm on the road, and all's well to this point. Then we get to the 395 ramp, and I point out the window for her to take the ramp, and she just keeps following me, like a lost puppy or the guy at the party who only knows one person so they stay within range of them all night. I pull into a left turn lane to, well, turn around and go home. Or at least let her know "Hey, here's the exit. There are signs. One goes north, the other south. Good luck." But instead of following me into the lane, the woman STOPS IN TRAFFIC TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT SHE'S GOING TO DO. Or maybe where she is. I don't know, but I'm frantically waving her over into the lane. What does she do? She waits there for someone to honk at her (which does not take long) and then simply drives on. In the meantime, I make the left turn as I had an arrow and not being 500 years old I follow street signs logically and as they are presented. I cut through a neighborhood to get back on Glebe to get home and to find this woman, but she's long gone.
I just want to say before I wrap this up that while I found it an inconvenience, I wanted to help this woman out because I feel for the elderly who seem to have been passed by by a world that doesn't need them anymore. Truly. My problem is not with the woman, or the fact that I helped her. My issue is with the cock that threw me into this mess.
So here's to you Mr. Nice Guy Hey-I'm-Your-Buddy: Take your fucking gym shorts, your sleeveless T-shirt, your 'I have enough time to work out a lot' body, your big stupid smiling fucking face, your whole fucking I'm-a-jock-but-I'm-a-nice-guy-even-though-I'm-better-than-you-which-
makes-me-even-better-than-you attitude thing (which is really easy to have when you got to bang every girl in high school who's crappy stories and bullshit I had to listen to for a fucking semester just to get to the point where they'd turn me down) and skip the gym tomorrow. You've earned it. Instead, I want you to go fuck yourself. Hard, long and slow. Just fuck the pissing fuck off. You wanna help out? Help out. Don't throw it on someone you assume has nothing better to do or anywhere to go (which I didn't admittedly, but that's not the point). Find something large, sit on it, and sink until you're all full of it and think about what kind of human being you are.
When you're done, then you can go to Five or Love or what the fuck ever and pick up some chicks and tell them how you helped out an old woman yesterday. I'm sure they'll think you're so sweet and nice. Fucker.
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